I used to think that anger was an emotion one felt when someone caused them to be the very opposite of happy. Wrong and correct. There are two types of anger that I became acquainted with and was I ever surprised, especially since I was the subject of choice.
Let’s do the easy anger; there are times when something or someone will cause you to experience an emotion of anger. It’s a temporary feeling of displeasure, the matter is addressed and you get over it. Caution, do this quickly!
The difficult anger is the anger that most people in this world are walking around filled with. It’s called the spirit of anger. Yes it’s possible to laugh and joke; yes it’s possible to enjoy yourself; yes it’s possible to seem like you are mild-mannered and cool.
I know this from experience. For 40 years I housed anger within me. I did not go around yelling at people just because; I did not walk around with an angry look upon my face. For the most part whenever you saw me I was known for smiling; I was known for being a very light-hearted and sweet person. With the exception towards those that I thought did not meet the rules that I thought were in existence for my generation or if you were older than my generation and came across as foolish to me. Then I was perceived as mean. The ratio of those that thought well of me versus those that did not was 95% versus 5%.
The anger that was inside of me was well hidden until-
As a career customer service professional I know tremendous; good; acceptable and bad customer service via the phone or in person. I’m sensitive to that. When I received acceptable or bad customer service it was not a pretty sight for the customer service agent who was assisting me. I was not there to review the performance of those employee’s; yet I took it upon myself to chastise the one who had to assist me. Now I’m not saying that we should accept bad service because we do pay their salaries, however the appropriate manner to handle the situation would have been to find the Manager; show the receipt because there is an ID number of who assisted you or a name. Inform the manager of the problem and keep it moving. Another instance is that I wanted perfection from my children. My eldest is and it’s on record that he is a genius and I expected him to breathe; move and speak his geniuses. Now mind you he is far more intelligent than I, yet I have years of experience on him and this is how I have to mold him. I was hard on my son, he was a great kid. However because of the inner city streets I did not want anything to take him off track and he caught the wrath that came from me too often. I have the greatest respect for my parents and because they are my parents whether I agree or disagree with what they are speaking to me about I listen and for the most part dismiss what they are saying because they don’t listen and make many assumptions as to what goes on with me and my family. My mother triggered the anger in me for the first time, she insulted my then husband and I was not going to stand there and take it. By the time I finished, I never heard her speak that negatively about him again. We were both wrong and I was in error more than she because she is my mother and the way I lashed out towards her may have cut my life span by 1 day. My dad did not move quickly enough I thought to help one of my brothers, I let loose on him. However, I think to this day that he thought I said something that I never said in my display of anger towards him. I never got so out of control that I would use profanity in their presence.
I have had so much abuse; disappointments; hurt and pain hurled into my life that I was filled with anger. The anger was for the most part well controlled; this is why I and no one else knew that I was filled with it. However, there were those days when the boiling pot pushed the lid off and the boiling water began to spurt out. I held on to everything; I had known one that I could talk with; I’m a CHRISTian and GOD’s Word does not make any sense to me about HIS joy everlasting and HIS peace. How come I have been saved for 15-24 years and I have not even come close to what GOD wants me to experience.
In 2003 everything came to a head; I was not well in my body; I was recovering from having a third stroke; I was blind; always tired; a newlywed and about to receive news from GOD that would help me to grow by leaps and bounds in the ways of GOD. Eleven months into my marriage 24 hours after I told my husband all that had happened in my first marriage; GOD began to show me that my present husband was now doing that very same thing. We had a horrific snow storm during that year; he was or is still a taxi cab driver that worked at night. I awoke early and he was not in our home. I waited 30 minutes and in my waiting I saw him having intercourse with another woman who resides in the apartment where we resided. GOD showed me a hotel, yet HE did not tell me the name of the hotel because HE knew what was in my heart and what was welling up with each second. I called every hotel that I knew that fit that description in my spirit and when I found that location he had already checked out. I had called his place of employment and was told that he checked out of the job during his regular time 6:30a he was offered a ride and he refused yet asked if he could take his cab home and was given permission. Four hours after he had completed his shift at work he finally stepped into our home. I was about 10 feet away from him and I instantly knew what he had been doing most of the night and that morning. He had planned to run into the apartment and leave again; he parked the car away from the apartment and lied that he was given a ride home. I immediately pushed him aside felt my way down the stairs and began to attack the other woman. Now remember I was blind, however she was a very mouthy and disrespectful person and the more she talked the more my hits landed; when it was all said and done according to the professionals I had beaten her within an inch of her life. I went after my husband next. I must have been coming out of the rage because I began to hear the Holy Spirit yelling STOP; STOP when I did stop I was compelled to call the police.
The police had come; I informed them of everything I was very truthful and crying uncontrollably. The police finally realized that I was blind and asked; “how were you able to do this damage”? I said she just kept on talking and I followed the voice. The hate that came from the family of the other woman was so intense that the police said keep it up and I’ll release her and take you all. I spent three months in the county jail facing attempted murder and looking at a possible 40 year sentence. For me and my age at that time it was a life sentence. I had Correctional Officers who had read my jacket either before or after I don’t know; what I do know is that they would ask me “Why are you in here, you don’t belong in here”? The inmates would walk up to me from time to time and ask me “Why are you in here? You don’t belong in here and you stick out; you are very noticeable”? I gained favor from GOD with the Correctional Officers and the inmates. I had inmates who saw the CHRIST in me and would speak with me about their life. I began attending Bible studies so that I can bath again in the Word of GOD. There were times when GOD’s power would come on me and no one not even those who came from the visiting church was familiar with GOD’s presence. A shift began to take place and I would find the inmates asking me questions about certain passages in the Bible. GOD was beginning to restore my vision to the point that I could read using trifocals and it was like drinking cool water on a very hot day. I got a book from the library in DOC called From Prison to Praise by Chuck Colson. I read the entire booklet in a few hours, it can be read in shorter time, however remember my vision is challenging. I remember saying with a pure heart, “GOD if you can do all these things for this man, I know you can do these things for me. I want to be changed, I’m tired of being the way that I am. LORD GOD, please change me”. GOD spoke into my spirit “get up and go into that cell close the door behind you; kneel and begin to pray; ask for what you want don’t hold anything back be truthful about everything and I will do it”. I got up went into the cell; closed the door and made sure it locked. Got that old tattered ugly wool blanket that is given to the inmates folded it enough or as much as I could so that my knees would not suffer more than they needed to. I got down on my knees and began. I remember asking for forgiveness of self; for my first ex-husband; the other women; my present husband; the other woman; my children; my parents; anyone in my family I offended; anyone whose path I crossed and was offensive to; anyone that I had an evil thought of; those guys (all brothers) that raped me when I was a wee one; those men who had thoughts of rape towards me; the guy who tried to rape me, yet I was a quick thinker, heavy handed and could run like the wind; my mother even when I was in her womb and my father and so on. I then began to ask GOD for deliverance from everything that is dark inside of me and give to me who HE is. Honestly I at that time had been saved for 24 years and had no idea what I wanted GOD to replace that evil with. HE did though.
I began to literally feel weights come off my neck; shoulder; back and lumbar. I raised myself up and immediately I knew to go over to Galatians 5:22-26 and I studied that and I continue to study that because I want to walk the more in Galatians 5:22-23. I also picked up a work book that someone left behind called Overcomers and I realized that I am an Overcomer. I thumbed through the book I was a wreck but I took it anyway. I said LORD I sure would like a better book new or one that is not so messed up as this, maybe one that where this book is messed up the next will cause this book to be complete. I kid you not after lights out GOD led me back to that area and there was another book and I grabbed it. The next day I looked at them both and together they were one book.
Within that same week I was looking forward to Bible study and after class I informed the instructors that I would not be in class next week because I’m leaving soon. They asked me, “Do you know the day that you are leaving”? I said no; however view it as this; as a woman is in labor that is how I will be released and I believe that it will be this week. GOD released me the following day.
Caution against anger:
Matthew 5:22 If you are angry with yourself or others you are subject to judgment.
Romans 12:19 never take revenge; leave that to the righteous anger of GOD. GOD promises that HE will take revenge; HE will pay them back.
Ephesians 4:26-27 don’t let sin control you; don’t let the sun go down and you are still angry. Anger gives the devil ammunition to destroy you.